Diary from the Bronx: Part I

May the Lord give you His peace!

29th-30th May... NEW YORK...

ever so tired, but want to write thoughts on arriving today, as (from past experience) tommorow I will feel totally different! When I arrived I felt that I had never left, like I'd just gone out for the day and was returning... I'm not sure I'd say "home", but I do feel grounded here...

...the biggest bonus of jet lag is, of coure, that getting up at 5 am is a doddle! I'm so happy to be here! I felt this morning that a beneficial thing to do would be to write about where I am now - and what has changed since I last visited in December - because although it feels like I'd never left, actually God has blessed me a lot since then. Which leads me to a verse from the scriptures of mass today:

the Holy Ghost in every city witnesses to me

In the past when I've been here, I've felt like I'm in heaven, and I've (very literally) wept at the thought of going back to the world... and when in the world I've longed to leave it and return here, to this life of communion with God. When I was praying a discernment novena early this month (at the request of Fr K, my spiritual director) it opened my eyes to a reality that had been going on for some time, and that I'd not noticed. I was kneeling in the chapel in MRI (Manchester Royal Infirmary) in my nurses uniform and little headscrarf, just before or after my shift (probably after, I'm always running too late to spend much time before) and when I looked for some words to sum up what God was saying to me that day (as Fr K had advised) I understood that it was: I'm happy here. I think that's a vitally important (and radically different) place to start from. Last time I was in NY Sr Lucille asked me why I was so upset at the thought of leaving, now, part of the reason was that I was tired and jetlagged and rather overwhelmed, but there was more to it that that, I didn't love the world, I wasn't saying with St Clare "Oh world! I cannot hold you close enough!", but rather "Oh world! I can't wait to be rid of you!"... my reasons weren't wicked - I loved to be in New York because I love God... but God calls us to be perfect, and to be perfect must be to love God totally in His will at every moment... and as His will is currently for me to be a student nurse, I must take joy in that because it's His will. As I get closer to accomplishing this, the Holy Spirit will "witness to me in every city".

So what does this say in relation to my vocation? Perhaps to clarify it. In my heart I am entirely consecrated to Jesus Christ, no question, breath and heartbeat still stands. I love it here - it feels like a physical embodiment of the Gospel - and I feel that God is calling me here, even more strongly than before, but now there are two marvellous new factors to be considered

1) My vocation is not a rejection of the world, any more than it is a rejection of marriage and family life, but rather a sacrifice of a good, and

2) I love the world! I love to meet God in the world, and to serve God in the world, and to be a witness in the world, and not to want out of it is good, because the CFR are still in it (innit?).

God is so good.